


An Assassin’s Failure

by parchmentandpencils



Category: The Wundrous Society Discord
Genre: Crack, I mean, M/M, This’ll be fun, craaaaaaack, pure unalterated crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:34:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26612284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parchmentandpencils/pseuds/parchmentandpencils
Summary: I er....have nothing to say about this.
Relationships: Akinator/Yaggy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 13
Collections: Wundrous Society Discord Crack





	An Assassin’s Failure

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notsofreshavocado](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsofreshavocado/gifts).



It was like the Mafia had stepped out of the game John Stan had downloaded. They surrounded him in large numbers, each chanting one word (that shall not be mentioned here in the name of this Christian Minecraft Server owner). John Stan looked taken aback, and then curled up on the floor and let the forbidden word wash over him. JAXI would be ashamed with the word being chanted, whereas Thaddea Stan would be disappointed with how much he was cowering away from the word.

John Stan could hear the voices stop abruptly and stood. Each of the Mafia members looked somewhat proud. One lifted up their hood to reveal....Niki.

”Niki?” John Stan asked hesitantly. “What are _you_ doing here?”

Niki scowled. “Don’t call me by that name! Here, I go by fox in sox. For your information, we have a job for you.”

John Stan was impressed. “Here I thought you’d try to murder Dadbot instead. Alas...”

”I mean. I’d love to murder both, but no two bots are allowed to be together. Nan Stan made a mistake trying to ship them.”

In the distance, John Stan fancied he could hear Nan Stan crying and Tilly trying to comfort her. “Interesting...” he murmured. “What do I have to do?”

Niki...oh sorry, Fox in Sox grinned evilly, passing John Stan a picture. It was of the two bots...hugging.

”Ew I hate them,” John Stan said in an uncanny impression of Keeri from Firebringer.

”Exactly! This...this cannot be allowed to continue. Don’t you want revenge?”

John Stan nodded. “Yes. Yes, I do!”

Fox in Sox passed John Stan an address. “Go and make us proud.” 

The other mafia members lowered their hoods to reveal the less active members of the discord server. They smiled creepily in unison. John Stan nodded and left, getting into the chauffered car. The chauffeur turned around to get the address, revealing Shadow. 

”Is everyone in this discord server in on this?!” John Stan cried, beginning to wail.

”Yes,” Fen Stan said, high fiving Jam, who had both suddenly appeared beside John Stan. 

John Stan started crying.

* * *

Before long, they got to Yaggy and Aki’s home. Shadow, Jam, Fen Stan, Lam Stan (who’d been sitting in the front passenger seat) and Wunderstab Stan (who’d randomly been sitting on the roof) threw down the powder Jupiter had used in Clown Manor and disappeared, wishing John Stan luck.

John Stan then got to work. He cut the brakes wire, managing to impale his hand on the wire and then he simply cut the other end and got a finger stuck too. Kelp Stan appeared and stared. “Did I....interrupt something?”

John Stan glared. If he could, he would shoot lasers out of his eyes and burn off Kelp Stan’s fingernails. There was a slight sizzling sound and Kelp Stan’s eyes widened.

”Oh shit-!”

What followed was a hysterical dance of Kelp Stan trying to get into a river so they could stop burning and John Stan screeching, swearing in Finnish and trying to get the wire out of his hand.

”I swear when this is over, I’m being in the military full time,” he muttered as he applied pressure onto his palm. “Perkele.”

”Need any help?” A sing song voice asked. 

John Stan looked over and saw Yaggy. Ahhhhh, just the victim he needed to see.

”Yes please,” John Stan said, trying his best to look pathetically harmless.

”The car stinks of betrayal. You aren’t trying to _hurt me..._ ” Yaggy said, looking every bit a harmful gay. Kelp Stan, who had come back with Jen, whimpered. Jen elbowed them both. “...are you?”

Nine Stan skipped over. “Of course not! Just _look_ at his innocent face! He couldn’t hurt a fly!”

”Unless it was annoying me,” John Stan murmured. “Just like you ALL ARE! Jumalauta..”

They all looked hurt. Yaggy and Jen sniffled, clutching each other. Nine Stan and Kelp Stan petted their hair and glared at John Stan, who glared back. If they had wands, there would be priori incantato happening now...or maybe not because ew. Also it’s not even (not that John Stan would care. He’d probably kick everyone’s asses without trying tbh). A n y w a y...

”I just need you to try out the car.” The words replaced the vitriol he was about to spurt and everyone looked taken aback.

”Will I be in one piece?” Yaggy sang.

”No.”

Yaggy and John Stan stared at each other like Uncle Wiley’s delivery boy and Frank from Black Friday. And then they laughed like them too.

”Cute,” Yaggy gasped.

John Stan patted Yaggy’s head patronisingly. “T h e r e, t h e r e.”

It looked like Yaggy had devolved into his bot self, but was glitching, because all he said was “Yesyesnononoyesnonoyesyesyesnoyes.”

John Stan pushed Yaggy into the car and Yaggy increased the speed. “HAVE FUN DYING!” he yelled, watching as Yaggy drove off a conveniently placed cliff and fell. The entire thing burst into flames and Kelp Stan started crying. Weird. Nan Stan’s phantom crying started up too. 

John Stan returned to Fox in Sox and grinned. “I did it! Now I’m going to get ice cream with poor neglected Martha Stan and Andie.”

* * *

Elsewhere, Martha Stan and Andie glared at something only they could see. “Thank God you’re finally putting us into the book!” They scowled at Wunderstab Stan. 

”Hey, I’m only the messenger! The author was trying to include everyone.”

“Yeah yeah. Now give us good ice cream flavours. Or we’ll maim you.”

The author laughed nervously...

* * *

John Stan, Martha Stan and Andie were now at the ice cream bar. Jen and Tilly had complained about no ice cream, but John Stan had refused, saying the trip was for the members of the discord server the author had neglected.

”What do you want, my humble comrades?” John Stan asked, gesturing to the person serving the ice cream.

”Mint chocolate chip!” Andie said excitedly. 

John Stan tuned out his comrades as he spotted someone he didn’t want to see. “Oh shit it’s Aki!” he muttered in a panic. (If he hyperventilated, no one should know.) He tried to be calm but ended up trying a sample of every ice cream to make it look like he was busy. He gagged at the bitter lemon sorbet he had demanded absentmindedly, and he was sure the manager was looking at him like he was a Karen. And then he glanced at the doorway again. Cadence Superstan. And he looked pissed off. “Oh shit,” our poor protagonist said in a passable imitation of Tom Houston.

“JOHN STAN!” He bellowed. “YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE ICE CREAM!”

”What can I get you, King Manly Mannington?” He asked, voice shaking.

Cadence Superstan proceeded to order eight scoops, one in every colour of the rainbow and two in red. Thank God Baskin Robbins do an eight scoop special. After that, Martha Stan ordered two scoops of their favourite flavour. John Stan himself ordered a couple of scoops of toffee and sat down to enjoy it. All of a sudden, he felt eyes on the back of his head. Turning around apprehensively, he noticed Aki’s face filled with rage. “Paska.” He ordered twenty more ice cream scoops to take home to the hotel, and sent the others away with a cheeky grin.

Aki charged. “YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND!” He yelled, grasping a magically appearing vine from the ceiling and ripping his shirt off, revealing his completely Tarzan side. He charged.

John Stan met him in the middle with his own war cry reminiscent of the Aztecs. Punches began flying and the waitress fainted with how tense the atmosphere was.

Punches flew and kicks were issued. They were both covered in bruises, but neither would give up their pride. At one point, Aki used a pressure point on John Stan and the poor guy went down for half a minute. However, he was enraged and attacked even more vigorously.

Eventually, John Stan got Aki with a right hook to the temple. Aki went limp and John Stan began to panic.

Fox in Sox appeared. “YOU WEREN’T MEANT TO KILL AKI!” 

John Stan sighed. “I mean, he was gonna kill _me_.”

At this, Fox in Sox grew rather sad. “Always thought he had a dodgy temper.” She kicked the corpse.

* * *

I interrupt this with some Meta. I was gonna let John Stan perish in flames but no. As he would say, it would be an absolutely bullshit way to die. Back to the last bit of crack.

* * *

John Stan picked up the waitress and passed her to Fox in Sox, who almost buckled under the weight of a woman a good few years older than her. But we all have unnatural strength here.

”It would be a shame to see all this stuff perish,” he sighed, eating a slice of ice cream cake while leaning against the counter. He shoved all of the ice cream and ice cream cakes into multiple takeaway bags.

”It just doesn’t make sense to waste all these precious desserts. Everyone at the hotel will be pleased to see them.”

”Wanna bet how long they’ll be gone in?”

”AFTERWARDS!” A new voice yelled. They turned to see Thaddea Stan, Francis Stan and Morrigan Stan ride in on a wrecking ball. Thaddea Stan had been the one to yell.

”Do you know”

”what the”

”most favourite activity”

”we like is?” They said, taking turns.

Fox in Sox sighed, but John Stan’s eyes lit up.

”Arson!” They all said in unison.

John Stan took out a lighter (look, all stuff is legal at a younger age there) and set Baskin Robbins on fire.

They walked away from the blaze like they do in action movies, and threw down some more Jupiter Powder. They vanished with a “Poof.”

**Author's Note:**

> Who won the bet? No one knows.


End file.
